- Moving into a new house, though we are edging up to two whole months in just a few hours
- A change of dynamics in said house
- Feels like my body is holding me back
- Lack of direction, or lack of movement towards anything tangible or acknowledge-able
- Lachlan moving out of the house
It's more a wish wash of anger, disappointment and an overwhelming feeling of isolation that's being getting the best of me. Thinking back, I believe that the past two months in this house has been the most unbalanced in the past 20 years. I am constantly floating between hatred- of my own thoughts, of imagined conversations, of theoretical arguments, of people- and a numbness that is punctuated by tears.
I have never cried as much as I have in the past month before now.
I can't control when it happens either. I normally can withdraw, hold my tongue, hide. Emotion just hits me so hard sometimes that now I feel like people are tiptoeing or mocking me. I know I've got a strange bout of paranoia going on too. I've never had this feeling before, like everything I do isn't good enough but its being written down in a 'shit Jaimee did today' column. I am counting problems, no matter how small. I can't shake the fury when little things like no-one can take out a full bin or understanding that you have to lock a front and back door happen. Everything little thing is like another jab, and it just snowballs. I am not dealing with things properly. I'm pushing away and getting sadder because of it. It feels like I'm so isolated from the people that I once (and still do dearly, I just can't find it under this layer of distaste) cared about so much. I can't tell how distorted it is. Every laugh, every whisper, feels like its about me. And when I catch myself thinking this way, it changes again. It makes me sad that I think like this. That I cry myself to sleep once Lachlan is asleep, because I'm so disappointed in myself. Such a vicious cycle.
I hate that I can't deal with his suggestion of getting help. I hate that I can't see that he wants me to get better because he cares, not because he doesn't want to deal with me anymore or that he thinks that I need to be fixed. It hurts so much that I am this way. And that's where so many of my problems lie- that I can't get past the part where I process the meaning. If someone else were to be upset and worried and letting anxieties get the better of them, I would want them to do whatever is possible to help them feel better. I just feel like I don't deserve to get better. Like I should never have had to do this. How did I let myself become like this....
There's just so much shame and hate. And I can't direct it to being a motivational source to work on finding out what or who or where I want to be in life. Then the spiral kicks in again, down and down and down.
I am putting so much hope in studying. I put so much hope into this house. And it hit me so hard these past 24 hours, dealing with the fact that I feel so much more at home when I am on the outskirts of Kinaba college than I do in the bed I lay in right now. The bed I've spent many nights curled against Lachlan or being hugged or so much more. I feel home with him, but I just can't find anything here. I never realised how much I attributed location to my happiness either. I can't process change, and via moving so quickly, over the Christmas period, I managed to skip over most of the anxiety. Its hitting me hard now.
I've cried so much today, just writing this I've battled to see through my tears to keep typing. I don't know what it is. I don't like crying in front of people, especially Lachlan. I don't like him seeing that I can't talk to him about things, and it must be so frustrating. I don't want to hurt him. At all. And I'm so worried that I am pushing him away, especially now that he is away from me. I feel like this might be where he comes to his senses. Tears.
This is the part where I am supposed to write about being proactive. How I am going to work on the situation, how I'm feeling etc etc.
I've been reading online about things. I guess its not the most helpful of things, projecting potential labels that fit into the slots about my head. I've been learning about Borderline Personality Disorder, and though I'm not going to say that's me, I can definitely align myself with the traits.
-Abandonment issues.
-Over-idealising people, attaching myself to them and over sharing, to quickly thinking of them as being careless towards me. Believing that if I love this person enough, they should love me, and vice versa.
-An unstable perception of self. Ranging from low self confidence and lack of self, to being happy with who I am and perceiving that I will do this, that and the other tomorrow.
-Obsessing over things, as small as quilting and cleanliness, to people and a TV show. Then dropping it the next day completely. "These individuals may suddenly change from the role of a needy supplicant for help to a righteous avenger of past mistreatment. "
-Mood swings and emotional instability, ranging from intense emptiness and depressive moods, easily bored, angered by boredom, unable to control anger, bouts of sadness, often these are unleashed on the person that I care about.
So when I'm upset about everything and Lachlan doesn't do one tiny thing, its enough for me to snap. That's why I go into silent mode. I put all of this baggage and undeserved blame on him. Then the shame puts me in a place where I can't bring myself to talk to him.
So when I'm upset about everything and Lachlan doesn't do one tiny thing, its enough for me to snap. That's why I go into silent mode. I put all of this baggage and undeserved blame on him. Then the shame puts me in a place where I can't bring myself to talk to him.
I am pushing myself to see a GP this week. Getting a mental health plan set up. I'm trying to write these things down, if I get the raw thoughts down now, when I think back and feel like they were useless, at least I will be able to see the value in them. Maybe it will help.
x
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